Hollywood is completely out of ideas. There is nothing left. The well is dry, the bottle empty. Hollywood needs to put the comic books away, turn off the cartoons, and focus on innovating instead of offering us the same tired old choices. Hollywood is like a Autistic Six-Year-Old, Obsessive Compulsive Perfectionist (George Lucas?) who just can’t leave anything alone. Sometimes perfect is perfect and needs no further help. Sometimes movies are loved for their imperfections and not everything has to be “dark and edgy” to be exciting. Hollywood represents the bigger is better philosophy and forgets that “if its not broke don’t fix it” can apply and regardless of how hard you try “you can’t polish a turd” is not just sage advice but a cold hard fact. Anyways, here are 5 movie remakes that I wish Hollywood would just walk away from.
Coming Soon to a Theater Near You - 5 Movie Remakes not Worth the Bandwidth to Download
5. Red Dawn – Red Dawn was an ’80′s cult classic that saw a bunch of highschool students (Patrick Swayze and C.Thomas Howell) resort to guerilla warfare when America is invaded by Russia and it’s allies, namely Cuba. This movie worked because this movie was right at the height of the cold war and Russia was a respected “real” enemy that struck fear into the hearts of many. Fast forward 30 years and Russia has fallen and the world’s scariest enemy now takes the face of fanaticism and suicide bombings. The Red Dawn movie remake was originally shot back in 2009 but Hollywood had a slight problem. There is no common enemy to invade America in the traditional sense aside from perhaps China and Hollywood, fearing to alienate Chinese movie goers, decided to put the movie on hold. So for three years it has sat in limbo….
In Red Dawn 2012 they changed the script since Russia is no longer a major player and China partially owns Hollywood, they re-wrote/re-shot the movie using North Korea as the enemy invaders. I am speechless. North Korea could not sneak past South Korea and Japan even if it wanted to invade. Not to mention they do not have the resources or the technology to get here. No one is afraid of the North Korean army. Honestly, a better movie would be North Korea invading a grocery store to feed their people. This movie is going to suck. It should have just continued to sit on the shelves and we could have lived on with Red Dawn being remembered for what it was.
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4. Tom Clancy’s Patriot Games: Jack Ryan should stay a fictional book character at this point. The problem with these movie is that Jack Ryan has become the batman of the Thriller/Suspense world. Every movie promises a new and different Jack Ryan and there is no continuity. Alec Baldwin was in the Hunt for Red October, Harrison Ford – Patriot Games/Clear and Present Danger. Ben Affleck got Sum of All Fears and now.. the new and improved Jack Ryan… Captain Kirk… Um.. Chris Pine. This hit or miss casting has caused the Tom Clancy books to largely tank and I am honestly not excited about this movie either. Chris Pine seems a little young to be playing Jack Ryan but aside from that, if they get him for a few movies, he might be able to grow into the role.
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(I’m cheating for the next two since #4 was “iffy”)
3. ALF – Alf the Alien Life Form crash landed on Earth and for 4 years (t.v. run 86-90) brought us cat-chasing mischief while living with an American family, the Tanners. ALF was a sitcom and as such, I really have a hard time seeing this as a Hollywood movie. Being a T.V. show it felt like there was always a new lesson to be learnt for the Alien who had to adjust to living life avoiding the government and trying to fit in. Novel at the time. But I think if you are looking for a sarcastic alien movie with some slick humor, then the movie Paul does it better. If you just was a cute cuddly stuffed animal who lives with a family and is full sarcasm, then the movie TED has you covered. What I am getting at is there is nothing here that makes me want to buy a ticket. I am not even sure which audience you would be trying to target with this movie. Maybe the nostalgic 40+ group, but honestly, I don’t know anybody in that age group who would get excited about an 80′s sitcom turned feature length movie. Sony Pictures Animation has obtained the rights to this movie and are bringing in the original puppeteer Paul Fusco to animate and voice ALF.. so kudos for that at least.
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Ghostbusters 3 – Finally Dan Aykroyd is getting a chance to make his swan song movie. For years Dan has worked to try and get this project off the ground. Now it appears that Ghostbuster’s 3 finally has a new script (penned by MiB 3′s Etan Cohen) and a green light to make a return to the big screen. Billy Murray declined on the movie feeling that the screenplay was not very good. That said, if you cannot convince the main character to reprise his role, regardless of who is writing the movie, then you can’t expect to convince me to buy a ticket can you?
I loved the original Ghostbuster’s movie. It was entertaining and funny. For the time, the special effects were terrific and to this day I still offer the odd “twinkie” quote in casual conversation. I really believe this is a franchise best left on the sidelines. It had a sequel and it was done. Let it ride gracefully off into the sunset. I can see this movie remake doing alright at the box office, but I guarantee people will leave sad. No one wants to watch bumbling old men more likely to break a hip than catch a ghost, chase around a bunch of cgi apparitions. And even if the movie is a transition movie where the old crew gives way to a younger generation of ghost hunters, if you are missing Peter Venkman (Murray) it just don’t work. Regardless of the title, without Stantz, Spengler and Venkman it is not a Ghostbuster film.
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2 Robocop – Robocop will make its way into Theaters in 2013 and bring back the tale of Murphy an honest cop gunned down in a dishonest city. Brought back to life as a cyborg, half-man/half machine, Murphy promises to clean up the streets and the corruption, even while fighting an internal war as his human mind slowly regains consciousness and he becomes self aware. This awareness allows him to bypass his programming and skirt the mysterious 4th directive.
The new Robocop movie promises to make Murphy more than a mouth as they have redesigned his suit for the latest reboot. This is a mistake to me as human beings are really defined by our eyes and whats in our eyes. ”The eyes are a window into the soul”… and with the eyes revealed, Robocop just doesn’t seem as robotic. In the original movie I never really identified with Murphy as a man until he removed his mask and you could see his face. This change feels like they are trying to give “face time” to the actor. (Think Venom in Spider-Man 3). I am sure this movie will also be a CGI fest which is a bummer as the original 1986 movie used puppets and stop animation for it’s special effects. Additionally, I loved the campy commercials for and the other things that made the original movie such a classic. I am wondering if in this age of political correctness if they will change the movie to tone down the drug use and violence? I am thinking they will shoot for a PG-13 rating which will also kill the spirit of this timeless movie.
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1. Masters of the Universe – By the Power of Greyskull…..!!! Yes, coming soon to a theater near you, Masters of the Universe. The original Masters of the Universe movie was a 1987 stinker starring Dolf Lundgren as He-Man. Not really certain which direction this new movie will take. The original He-Man cartoon took place on the planet Eternia and Skeletor (He-Man’s nemesis) is trying to conquer the world for his own purposes. Prince Adam, posses a magic sword that transforms him into He-Man when he holds the sword aloft and says, “By the Power of Greyskull .. I have the power.” He-Man then battles Skeletor and protects the land from his evil deeds.
In the 1987 movie adaption, Dolf Lundgren played He-Man and the movie took place on Earth. In the movie, Skeletor has finally conquered Eternia after stealing the Cosmic Key from the locksmith Gwildor, which allows him to gain entry to Castle Grayskull. He imprisons The Sorceress within an energy-draining field and her powers are being transferred to him. In an attempt to rescue The Sorceress, the heroes He-Man, Man-At-Arms, Teela and Gwildor are accidentally transported to Earth by the Cosmic Key. Stranded on Earth, they are faced with the task of recovering the Cosmic Key and getting back to Eternia before Skeletor can gain the power of Grayskull, but Skeletor sends his minions to Earth with the mission of beating them to the Cosmic Key, and chaos ensues as the war between good and evil is transferred to Earth.
In 2013/2014 Movie.. well, I know it is going to be filmed in the style of 300, so I am guessing the movie will more like the cartoon. I personally believe Masters of the Universe promises to be a real stinker. I get that Hollywood is struggling with new ideas and that they are scraping the bottom of the barrel to come up with ideas and how to make money… but He-Man? Really? I am certain they will modernize it and take many liberties to update the movie, but then why not just start fresh? If you have an actor (probably Chris Hemsworth) running around in Speedos carrying a magic sword, claiming to have the power, you can’t possibly release this movie with a straight face. In fact if Hollywood is hellbent on optioning movies from cartoon’s now that the comic movies are running dry, then option a cartoon that has some substance. Where is my live action Robotech movie?
Chris Hemsworth could absolutely corner the market on blond headed super heroes if he gets this role and at least appeal to the female audience.
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Well, that’s it… 5 sure to be stinkers. Honorable mention to these additional movie remakes that are currently being filmed but did not make the top 5 list: The Evil Dead, Highlander, Star Ship Troopers, & Godzilla
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